Rotten
by Starryoak
Summary: Ezekiel can't forget things. The nightmares won't let him. He can't stop seeing the awful images, the awful things he did, over and over, night after night. WARNING: Extremely dark and gory grossness is the main subject. Vivid imagery, descriptions of rotting flesh, gore and one scene of vomit, not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. You have officially been warned.


**A/N: First off, I do not own Total Drama, but look at the name of this site and tell me I'd be posting this if I owned it. I do want to point out that this is heavily, heavily tied to my work on Deviantart (under the same name of this account) and in particular, the picture that came with the story. It also relies on prior pictures of Sadie, Ezekiel and their daughter, Sarah, who is 3 at this point. Sadie is OOC in this because she's a grown adult now and has had things happen to her that have changed her. And be warned, this fic is gross and gorey and dark.**

* * *

**Myiasis; [_mahy-uh-sis_];**  
1\. infestation with fly maggots  
2\. any disease that results from the infestation of tissues or cavities of the body by larvae of flies.

* * *

The first thing he felt when he came to his senses was hunger. Hunger gnawing at his insides and a pain burning inside that ate at the corners of his mind.  
He couldn't remember what he was doing, or in fact, who or what he even was, but that wasn't important. It certainly never crossed his mind, all that he could think or feel was the painful sensation of hunger, pressing down on him and burning his throat. He was taken over by his impulses as his body seemed to have a mind of its own. He tried to think, to make sense of who or what he was, but his brain gave no answers. The harder he tried to think, the harder it was to remember. He felt like he was fighting against some force that prevented him from knowing what was going on. As he gave up on the futile pursuit of sense, he realized that his body had started walking without him. He had no control over himself, he was prisoner in his own body, only able to watch what was occurring. And yet, he still felt the hunger and pain, the sensations of his movement were disconnected to his ability to direct himself. He sniffed the air, and a horrible stench burned his nose, but his body chose not to run from the smell, but to run towards it. The smell increased in intensity, but that only made him move faster. The clawing at his stomach was growing as well, the hunger and the smell mixing together into a horrid combination; the burning of starvation commanding him to eat, and the nausea compelling him to vomit everything that wasn't in his in his stomach to begin with. And when the sensations reached their peak, he saw what had caused the smell.  
He stared down at the rotting carcass of... he didn't know what exactly it was, and he didn't care. The putrid smell was completely disgusting, the rotting flesh had maggots crawling in and out of every open orifice, and there were even small mushrooms beginning to take root on its decaying body. To any sane person, it would be enough to send them running. He tried to resist, to control his body, but it was to no avail. The hunger had been eating away at his resolve, bit by bit, until he was unable to fight it anymore.  
He couldn't stop himself. He tore the creature's chest open and it released an even more horrible smell into the air, ripping a piece of it off and eating it, fur and all. The taste was just as rotten as the stench, but he couldn't stop eating it. He felt the maggots crawling on the meat as he swallowed it ravenously. He wanted to vomit, he wanted to look away, he wanted this to end, but it didn't. He kept on devouring the carrion, mentally screaming from every horrible second. He wasn't even sure that what was dripping down his chin was blood, or just the liquefied juices that were the cause of the smell, he couldn't stop eating it no matter how much he wanted to. He stood helpless to his own body as it tore the creature to bits, eating everything. He ripped one of its limbs off, which was far too easy, tearing off at the first tug with just a horrid squelching noise. The bones made a sickening crunch as he bit through them, cracking as he slowly swallowed them.

* * *

Ezekiel woke up with a start, and only just barely made it into the bathroom before he felt the bile in his throat rise up as he heaved into the toilet. The vivid images were still running through his mind as he slowly broke down into quiet sobbing. This was the second time he had had the dream in a week and no matter how many times he relived it, he always ended up hanging over the toilet, throwing up bile and whatever was in his stomach. He couldn't stop his mind from reliving the sensations, over and over again, he felt the bones crunch and the blood dripping down his chin. His stomach churned as he threw up once more, although nothing but bile was left. He looked at the clock in the hallway; 3 AM. He sighed and hoped he hadn't woken up Sadie. She didn't need to see him like this, she already saw more than he wished she had.

"Did you have the dream again?" He turned around and sighed, seeing Sadie standing at the door with an apologetic look on her face. "Do you need me to get your medicine?" She asked, worry obvious in her expression and voice.

"I... I don't think so, eh..." Ezekiel closed his eyes. "I'm ok..." He attempted to assure her, right before another grotesque image swam in his eyes and he found himself coughing up bile into the toilet. He felt like a pathetic wreck as he retched into the toilet; he should have been used to this. He had these dreams often, and yet he still wasn't able to get over the nausea.

"You don't sound ok." Sadie frowned, saying the obvious, if only to make it clear she knew. "I'll call the doctors and schedule an emergency checkup in the morning. I'll get your medicine, just... try to stay safe while I'm gone, ok?" Ezekiel nodded silently, and Sadie hesitated to leave him alone before walking off to get Ezekiel's medicine and the phone. Ezekiel was in no condition to be anywhere other than in front of the toilet bowl, and the medicine was in another room. She didn't like leaving him alone, but it was a necessity.

There was an uncomfortable silence as she left, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He groaned, the nauseating feeling overwhelming him, and he gagged again, bile splattering against the toilet bowl only fueling another retching fit as he remembered the splatters in his nightmare. "Damnit." Ezekiel said softly, although he felt his stomach settle slowly, the smell was awful. Just like the smell of the...no, he wasn't going to think about it. He tried his best to ignore the nightmare replaying over and over in his mind.

When Sadie returned minutes later with his medicine and a cup of water, he had managed to pull himself away from the toilet, and seemed to at least look less like he was seconds away from throwing up again. She helped him onto his feet and steadied him. "Feeling any better?" She looked concerned, running her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down.

"Not much." Ezekiel sighed. He tried to smile a little to reassure her, but she wasn't buying it. "I... I just... I don't understand why I'm having these dreams again, eh..." He said, taking his medicine and gulping down the water, trying to stomach his gag reflex. "I can't just spend every n-night waking you and Sarah up..."

"Sarah isn't awake, sweetie." Sadie assured him, looking sympathetic. "She doesn't mind when you do, you know." She added. "She just wants you to be happy."

"I know..." Ezekiel said. "I just wish she didn't have to deal with it, eh... She shouldn't have to."

"Ezekiel, listen to me." Sadie said, focusing on him. "You can't help it, and she knows. You know it too." She said. "I know you're trying your best, and that's the important thing." She smiled weakly, and he did as well, finally a little more relaxed. "Let's try to get some sleep?" She asked, and he nodded. When they got into bed, he found himself drifting to one corner of the bed, not wanting to bother Sadie, although he knew she liked when he wrapped his arms around her. Right now, however, he felt too disgusting to do so, like the nightmare's blood was still staining his hands. He fell asleep quickly, they had took their toll on his energy.

* * *

A loud snapping of twigs under a hoof snapped him back into focus as he came to his senses, stopping in his tracks and keeping still, listening for another. There was a tense silence before he heard another crack, whatever he was stalking was moving west. What west really was, however, he couldn't remember. It wasn't important. He silently followed the sound of the hoofsteps, crouching along the forest floor, prepared to pounce or bolt off. He caught a glimpse of the creature he was chasing; a fawn. It looked barely old enough to lose its spots. He wasn't sure how he knew that it was alone, but he did. Even if its mother was there, he was too hungry to care. He slowly crawled closer and closer to the fawn. It perked up its ears in fright, clearly sensing his presence. He took his chance and lunged after it. It leapt out of the way just as he was about to rake his claws across its neck. It ran away, but he wasn't giving up on it. He followed the fawn's every move, it was faster than he was, but it was unsure on its hooves and he could chase it longer than it could run.

The fawn saw an escape route within a large thorny bush, diving into it, expecting the thorns to slow him down. They didn't. He ignored the sharp pinpricks as he chased it through the dense maze of bracket. Pieces of his sweater caught in them, but he simply tore through the bush, leaving behind scraps of it stuck to the branch that had claimed them.

It was still running from him when its hoof caught in a rock, and it stumbled for a second. It was all he needed to take advantage of. There was no time for the fawn to realize what happened before he had raked his claws over its chest. It fought for only a short time, beating against him with its hooves until it could no longer fight, gurgling in agony as he bit into its neck. It went limp as he tasted the warm copper of its blood, covered in gore and dirt stuck to the sticky substances.

He slowly tore meat away from its bones, chewing it and swallowing it as the carcass cooled down. He couldn't place what was giving him a sick feeling in his stomach, but even as the pain subsided in his stomach, he couldn't shake the terrible sense of wrongness, not entirely sure what it was that he was feeling. He didn't understand it, but it hurt, and it only made him eat it faster, hoping to get rid of the feeling. Eventually, he couldn't swallow any more down than he had, and the pain in his stomach was no longer due to the hunger, but the nauseating sensation of being too full. He couldn't remember the last time he felt that way, although to be honest, he couldn't remember much of anything. There weren't really any memories, simply a series of events that were lost in a fog of uncertainty, things that he didn't truly care about. It didn't matter what the memories meant anymore.

The fawn's corpse still was mostly intact, and he picked it up by what remained of its neck and slowly dragged it back to his nest, piling it aside the remnants of his last meals. The flies that circled the pile quickly recognized the new meat and settled in, but he paid them no mind, curling up and falling asleep, trying to ignore the pain in his stomach and the still lingering feeling of wrongness.

* * *

Ezekiel woke up in a sweat once again, but the medicine had done its work at repressing his gag reflex; he no longer felt the need to rush over to the bathroom and the feelings of leftover nausea from his nightmare weren't overwhelming him. He shook his head to get rid of the images going through it, and looked directly at the nearby alarm clock. 9:30. He smiled slightly despite the circumstances; he had managed to sleep until morning without waking up from another nightmare. He quickly realized that he was now underneath the blankets, no longer sleeping without the covers

"Are you feeling any better?" Sadie was sitting nearby the bed, already dressed and looked awake, she had gotten up earlier than he had once again.

"A little, eh..." Ezekiel murmured, not sure of what to say. "Had another nightmare, but it wasn't as bad as the others." He said bluntly, putting his toque on, as it was hanging on his nightstand nearby.

"I know. I gave you my blanket when I woke up, because you were shivering again. I wish I could do more, but..." Sadie trailed off, the answer obvious to both of them.

"T-thanks." Ezekiel muttered softly, smiling at Sadie. "It helped a little, eh." He lied, but she was looking at something else, not seeing his guilty face. Truth be told, he hadn't noticed the covers, but knowing she cared was important. "The nightmare was... pretty bad..."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sadie turned back to Ezekiel, but he shook his head. "...Alright then..." She sighed, not wanting to feel relieved. She wasn't particularly good with the horrific things he dreamed about, but she was there for him and if he needed to talk about it, she would listen. Sometimes it helped, but other times he just wanted to tell Dr. Julia. This seemed to be one of those times.

"It's not gonna help to tell you, eh. It'd just upset you." Ezekiel murmured, looking down at the floor. She recognized the look he was giving, how he blamed himself. She had tried before to remind him that she was ready to listen, but he still felt guilty. So she left him be, but she made sure to pay attention to his reactions. If he really needed it, she would know. "When did you get up?" He asked her nervously.

"A couple hours ago." Sadie said. "I needed to call Dr. Julia as early as possible, but I thought you could use the sleep, and I know you don't like taking Sarah to preschool when you're having problems coping." She admitted.

"Oh." Ezekiel said, silently staring at the wall, thinking. He was trying his best to focus on anything else, something other than what he had been dreaming, staying in the same position for a long time, as Sadie got her things ready to take Ezekiel to his therapist. It was several minutes of silence before the nightmares hit him again, the smells and sounds of his dreams were playing over and over in his mind. But he was too caught up in the sensations to realize what was going on, and Sadie immediately sensed it in his glazed over expression. He was breathing heavily and his pupils contracted, shaking in terror. She stopped what she was doing in an instant, she had to stop this before it got worse. She had to stay calm; she couldn't startle him, she had to take it slow. She walked around to the other side of the bed and faced him, so he knew she was there.

"Ezekiel, stay with me." Sadie said, gentle but firm. She looked him in the eyes; it helped bring him back to reality. "You're ok. You're safe now." She continued stating it plainly and repeated it as she slowly moving closer. Finally, as she could tell he could feel her presence enough not to be startled, she leaned over and squeezed his hand gently, snapping him back into reality. She looked relieved, pecking his cheek as he showed another rare smile. "Are you feeling better?"

"I think so, eh..." Ezekiel said shakily. "J-just a little bit caught off guard by the nightmares..." His eyes flashed with recognition of something that became clear the moment he turned to the nightstand, opening it . He grabbed a medicine bottle and quickly counted out his pills before just as quickly swallowing them, almost involuntary with how used to it he was. He didn't even need a glass of water to down the capsules. He didn't mind the bitter taste. "I almost f-forgot, eh.." He said to Sadie, looking nervous.

"I was going to remind you if you hadn't." Sadie told him. "I don't mind." She motioned for him to sit down next to her, and she allowed him to rest his head on her shoulders. He did so, he rested his head and sighed. She looked down at him with a loving smile and he relaxed. "You know I love you, right?" She asked

"Couldn't forget." Ezekiel smiled slightly and sighed as she stroked his head lightly, calming him down. He still could feel the nightmares, but her hand on his head kept him rooted in reality, keeping them from overwhelming him. As long as he focused on her, he wouldn't slip again. Her hand squeezing his had been what had brought him back from the first time, but he didn't

"Love you." Sadie said softly, although it didn't need to be spoken, she said it anyway.

"Love you too." He replied. They didn't exchange words after that, and they didn't need to; they just sat there together and enjoyed each other's presence. It wasn't always this simple, but they got through it either way. Some days it was easy to forget, some days it was harder than they could bear, but their love kept them anchored. They couldn't forget or pretend that those things existed forever, but sometimes they needed to just to get by.

* * *

"Well, the good news is that there isn't anything physically wrong with you." His medical physician said as he finished the physical examination of his patient. Although Ezekiel didn't particularly enjoy the process, it was necessary. The _incident_ still affected his body, even years after they had stabilized him. He wasn't weak, even when he was sick, most of the problems came about due to his bodies violent reactions to the physical stimuli of the illnesses. When he caught the flu, he had to be brought back to the padded cell and straightjacket that he had first awoke in because he hallucinations and fevers would occasionally trigger a regression. Sometimes he would get violently sick because his body would start producing the horrible acidic goop that he had during the _incident_. His body didn't have a place for it anymore, so he would end up throwing it up again. It meant that before every weekly therapy session, he had to go through a physical checkup as well. When he had described what had happened, he immediately checked for signs of acid production, but it seemed not to be the case. "You don't have anything wrong with you, physically, at least. The emesis is entirely psychological." He concluded. "I'll be transferring you to Dr. Julia immediately." He motioned for Ezekiel to follow him, into the sterile hallway that he knew all too well.  
Dr. Julia's office was furnished to more resemble a normal room, but the hospital's corridors were a reminder of where you were; off white walls and a hard floor of tiles, the smell of disinfectant and eerie silence was almost suffocating. The pain was a mix of claustrophobia and memories, the echoing footsteps felt louder than his thoughts. He recognized the many rooms of the ward, the doors and where they lead. He remembered the moments that had occurred, the things he had done. They passed a window where he had broken it and leapt out, although the memory was fuzzy, only a few months into his stay at the hospital, he still remembered. He tried not to think about the next room either, a door to the room where he had assaulted one of the nurses in a very early regressive episode, he came back to what they had recovered of his senses after he had been restrained, looking at the damage he had done to her; she had scratches covering most of her body, clothes tattered and ripped, bite marks that look just as much like bite wounds as they did burns, his acid turning the wound black as it ate through her. She never came back, and he never knew what had happened to her.

"Ezekiel," He heard the doctor say his name, and he came back out of his trance, realizing that he had zoned out once again. He looked at his surroundings, although there wasn't much difference, with how identical the hallways looked. He could tell they were closer to Dr. Julia's office, though. "You were having a dissociative episode; do we need to get restraints?" He looked worried as Ezekiel failed to look him in the eyes.

"I... I don't t-think so, eh..." Ezekiel said shakily, looking down at the floor to avoid the doctor's judging gaze. "I'll be fine... I just got l-lost in thought."

"Ezekiel; you and I both know that it wasn't just getting lost in thought. If you don't tell us the truth and admit you need help, this won't help anyone." His doctor gave him a stern look and stopped walking forward. "I need you to answer me; do you think your episode could lead to a relapse?"

"No." Ezekiel said, and when the doctor gave him a skeptical and disbelieving look, he stood firm. "I was just thinking about the things that we passed... the things that happened in them... I'm fine, eh."

"I'm going to have doctors on standby." His doctor said, when the finality became clear, Ezekiel sighed. "Ezekiel, listen to me." He said, less clinical in tone. "No one here is going to be angry or disappointed in you. We all know what happened, and we're here to help you. No one is judging you for what happened." He tried to smile, and on some level, Ezekiel appreciated it, but it felt like they were treating him like a fragile child.

"I know." Ezekiel finally managed to say, looking to his left, clearly still frustrated. In the rational part of his mind, he recognized that it was childish to refuse help for something he needed help with, but there was still a part of him that was resentful of everyone treating him like a time bomb, waiting for him to explode. "Just... Give me a chance, eh!" He said, a little louder than intended. He stopped himself and breathed slowly to keep himself calm.

"We're still going to keep them on call, Ezekiel. It's not a matter of trust, we know you don't have any intention of hurting someone, it's a matter of precaution. It doesn't mean we think you'll need it, it just isn't something that we can take chances on." His doctor said firmly, before they continued on to Dr. Julia's room.

"So, Dr. Mason told me that you've been having dreams that have been causing a significant amount of nausea and discomfort." Dr. Julia said, legs crossed as she sat in a chair opposite to Ezekiel, who nodded. "He also told me that you had a mild dissociative episode while walking to my office." She added, Ezekiel looking down at the floor.

"...Yes..." Ezekiel looked ashamed. "But I was just thinking, I got lost in thought." He said, a little defensive, although he regretted it immediately.

"Do you have any idea about what triggered your detachment in the hallways?" She asked.

"I was just thinking, eh." Ezekiel said simply. "We passed by a lot of rooms I remembered from a long time ago... things that I'm not proud of. I just started thinking about them, eh.. Thinking about the things I've done..." He continued, looking less and less comfortable talking to her as he continued speaking, staring intently at the floor.

"I see." Dr. Julia frowned slightly, still scribbling away at her papers. "So you focused on your memories and not your surroundings." She didn't phrase it as a question, but Ezekiel felt the need to nod anyway. "How often have you been having these episodes recently?" She asked.

"I've been doing it more lately.. Well, just since the nightmares started, actually." Ezekiel admitted. "I know I had one here, and one with Sadie. " He added.

"It sounds like that it's caused by the nightmares, if it's only happened when you've been thinking about them. I don't want to prescribe more medicine unless we know that it's a recurrent problem. We only have so many drugs, and we don't want you to build up a resistance to it if it isn't a problem." She said, looking a little exasperated, not by Ezekiel himself, but the strange way his body worked. "But if you or Sadie notice it, keep a record." She added. "But the more pressing matter right now is getting to the bottom of your nightmares. "

"Yes." Ezekiel nodded. "I can't keep doing this, eh. I just can't keep having these dreams!" He said, clenching his fists and looking angry.

"Ezekiel, please calm down." Dr. Julia said, not scared, but stern.

"I... I'm just not sure what to do..." Ezekiel recognized his tone and sighed, looking exhausted by just talking to her. "I've got no idea about what's going on right now..."

"That's why you're here." Dr. Julia said, smiling a little falsely, comforting but still a little worried herself. "The dreams." She tried to keep him focused. "Tell me about them. Are they clearly fixed in fantasy or things you know didn't happen, or are they rooted in reality?"

"Reality..." Ezekiel sighed in defeat, looking utterly miserable. "I've been dreaming about things I think I did before I was... caught..." His voice caught for a second before he could continue

"What period of time would you classify the memory as coming from? Early cargo hold, post Serengetti, mines, or F.U.N Zone?" Dr. Julia had pulled out her template for his dreams. She kept them all. Every horrible thing he wished he didn't remember, she had them, and she had them organized. The fact that she had a file cabinet of the dreams felt humiliating, even as he knew that it was for the better.

"I was in a forest, eh." He replied simply, too used to this part of the process to be worried by it. It wasn't the hard part. "F.U.N Zone."

"And what happened? The first one you can remember." Dr. Julia asked him, and he began to explain.

* * *

"-And now, I can't stop seeing it, eh!" Ezekiel was crying, but it was just a sad choking sound, no hysterics, simply a broken sob. "It was ... It..." He had to visibly hold back his bile, swallowing it for the sake of his dignity. "I'm disgusting." He stated it plainly.

"Ezekiel-" Dr. Julia began.

"How can you hear that and not think I'm... I'm..." He looked down at his hands as if they were still covered in the gore of his nightmares. "...Rotten..." He decided how to describe it.

"Because you aren't." Dr. Julia said firmly. "You are a good person. You have a loving fiancé, you have a daughter who loves you too, you have us. We all know you are." She smiled, genuine and almost motherly. "I've been helping you every step of the way. I've seen you do so much more than anyone ever expected." She looked him in the eyes.

"But I've done things... I've... I can still hear it, eh. I can taste it, I can still see it." He repeated. "I ate it. I don't even know what it was, I didn't hesitate. I ate it, even though there were maggots writhing in it."

"Ezekiel, we've gone through this. I wish you could see it clearly, from our view." Dr. Julia sighed. "You weren't... You weren't human." She had to say that, though it didn't feel right. "And do you know how they found you? What condition you were in?" She pressed him, going out of his normal comfort zone of discussion, asking him to remember things wasn't something she liked doing.

"I... I was..." Ezekiel paused, reciting from memory, the reports he couldn't forget. "Subject was found emaciated and starving, tapeworms, flukes, and roundworms found in digestive tract, myiasis found in several systems, skin covered in fleas, ticks, bedbugs, and mites."

"You were-" Dr. Julia began.

"I was infested. I had maggots living in me!" He interrupted her suddenly. "What part of that proves anything but that I'm a disgusting monster?" He said.

"The fact that you aren't." Dr. Julia said. "You were placed under our care in such terrible condition that we didn't know how you could have survived. And look where you are right now." She said.

"I'm still in here, I'm still not normal, eh. I'll never be normal again." He croaked out the last part.

"Please, listen to me. You're still in here, yes. But you have a life outside here. You have a fiancé, you have a daughter going to preschool, you have a house, you have your parents back." Dr. Julia had tears rimming the corners of her eyes. ""You've changed. You aren't a monster and you aren't the same person as you were before. You've come so far. When you came here, you were feral. You couldn't speak, you couldn't think. We weren't sure if we could help you, but you amazed everyone." She made Ezekiel look in her eyes.

"..." Ezekiel looked stunned, eyes watering just as much as hers were. Something about her words was making him see things more clearly. She had said it before, many times, but each time, he was left feeling better than he was coming in. He remembered the dreams, but her words made them seem less important, less real. He wasn't back there. It was years ago. He was a different person. Somehow, hearing someone say those words meant more to him than the words he had tried to tell himself.

"You made your way through everything, and I won't let you treat yourself like a monster. You aren't a monster. You aren't rotten. You... I..." Her voice wobbled. "I'm... I'm proud of you." Both of them somehow knew that they were going to hug, and the room was silent except for their crying.

* * *

"Ezekiel, are you-" Sadie was walking up to the reception office of the hospital, seeing Ezekiel with tears still fresh on his face. Before she could finish her sentence, he had picked her up off of her feet to kiss her, smiling, even though his teeth were showing.

"I love you, eh." Ezekiel embraced her, still holding her up. Somehow, everything seemed clearer to him, even if he hadn't figured out what the nightmares were from, or how to stop them. He felt like it didn't matter.

"What happened in there?" Sadie found herself smiling as well, worry washed away into a confused sort of happiness.

"I... I guess I saw another side to things." Ezekiel said, unsure of how to truly tell her what had happened in the office, even if he told her exactly what they had said, it wouldn't have the same effect.

"I hope it was a good one." Sadie looked at him as she was set back down after a quick kiss.  
Looking into her eyes, he could see himself in them. Or at least, it felt that way. He saw the person she saw in him, and he couldn't forget it. When he looked into her eyes, he could see himself, smiling, holding Sarah up in the air. He still looked like he did now, not quite human, but there was something more to him than that.  
He was happy.

"Better than you could believe, eh." He hugged her once again. "Let's go get Sarah." She nodded, and they walked back to Sadie's car, hand in hand.

* * *

A/N The 2nd: Yeah, two authors notes, it's not illegal. This came about as a much shorter story, but it stretched out as I wrote it. And the ending... I kind of hated the ending for a while, I felt weird about the lack of closure. But that's how this kind of thing works. I've been to a therapists office completely broken and come out happy, without solving anything or even getting anything new from it. Sometimes you can get something out of something that you've heard over and over, just being reminded that someone cares about you can make you feel better, if only for the moment. Feeling better in the moment is the best we can do, sometimes. It doesn't mean that the problem is solved, it's just a matter of going through things. And sometimes, it's easier to hear what you know is true from someone else. And I also felt bad for not leaving him an emotional wreck like he is in the beginning, but... I couldn't do it. When I write, I'm not sure how it's going to go. And I couldn't make it go anywhere without Dr. Julia acting like she does in this draft. And I don't like ending a story on a completely depressing place. I'm sadistic, but there needs to be something better, something that would make it at least a bit less sad. I couldn't let Sadie show up to a broken Ezekiel, in the same state she left him. And as I said, this isn't really a happy ending. Because it's not an end. The nightmares aren't gone, they still have a lot to deal with, but he's at least better in the moment. No matter how bad things get, there's always a little light in it. So basically; I'm unable to write more depressing stuff with this fanfic, and I actually want this to see the light of day, so I'm going to post it, even if the ending sucks.  
Hey, just as an aside for those wondering why Sadie's not the same as she was in the show, Sadie's kind of grown up. Well, obviously. I mean that she's not a squealing teenager obsessed with boys and her BFFFL. She's got her problems and she chose to stick with Ezekiel even when things get harder, and she's a lot less excitable. She's still got the little bit of temper we've seen her have before with her explosion at the end of her run on TDI, and she's been through a lot over the course of time that's passed between here and the show. One of those things is the deteriorating relationship between her and her very best friend Katie, unfortunately.  
I just wanted to explore more on what I did in an earlier picture+short story. And to be honest, I wanted to experiment with just how dark I could go. I was never so confident in my gore, but I think I got the point across here. I also wanted to give a sort of taste of Feral!Zeke's perspective, although it's a little different outside of the memories. Ezekiel has some kind of anchor which tells him something is horribly wrong due to dreaming, and while he did feel like that occasionally when he was feral, he wasn't nearly as aware of what was wrong with his situation. He pushed away the memories he did have in favor of survival in the moment, because whatever those weird memories meant isn't important right now. And of course, to point out just how goddamn fucked up Ezekiel was when he was feral. He's pretty much starving about 24/7, and add in the things that he eats and the parasites in it, and you have a combination that's going to fuck up your body. I also wanted to see if I could dip my toe in the pool of horror/gore/psychological stories which, as the people on deviantart who've read this said, was good. So...? I don't know, I'm kind of torn. I'm sort of happy with it, and mostly, the only parts I'm not happy with are ones that I'm only unhappy with because I feel like someone's going to hate it.


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